Planet Fitness

The only reason for choosing this gym is if you live close, as I do, and are cheap, as I am. At about $10 a month, it can't be beat. However, it's a mad house. They have a policy of "no headwear except baseball caps" ostensibly to keep low lifes, who presumably wear do-rags and bandanas out. But no one enforces the policy. Anyone can join this gym regardless of how they behave and you've got some doosies, from gals who come in curlers and talk loudly to their friends, to OCD guys who scrape their bunyons on the floor of the locker room.

Equipment is old and fairly cared for, but foot straps on cycles, for instance are never replaced. Paper towels are mostly set on top of the machines because the staff is too lazy to put the rolls in the machines.

The free weights are all under 40lbs, to keep serious body builders out. There are no free barbells. Garish franchise colors wake you up if you're a morning person, but nauseate the rest of the day.

I get the distinct impression that this gym, owned by a pair of brothers who actually maintain their extensive franchise from the same building, could give a rat's ass about their customers and are bleeding this gym for all it's worth.

Pizza is served once a month at night and bagels once a month in the morning. Great food if you want to promote a trim and healthy body. Is that cynical or what? Lots of fatties here, so they just think it's the bomb.

If you like to hear the latest Bronx neighborhood gossip in Spanish, this is the place to pull out the ear-pods and gorge. There is no rule against talking loudly on a cell and it is only a matter of time before the boomboxes arrive.

I work out in one area, get in - get out and keep my mouth shut. That works until some other cheap gym opens nearby with a nanogram of class.